CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN . . . . .

2011-12-25T13:29:00.000-08:00

One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in his temple.

Psalm 27 : 4

Photo : Christmas tree at China House, Penang. Taken by Mummy; Dec 2011

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM RYAN!

2011-11-11T23:02:00.000-08:00

14 YEARS OLD TODAY

2011-11-11T02:08:00.000-08:00

A gentle wind blew across the land
Reaching out to take your hand
For on the wind the angels came
Calling out your name
On angels wings a heavenly flight
The journey home, toward the light
To those who weep, a life is gone
But in God's love, 'tis but the dawn

- Anonymous -

You would have turned 14 today. Still a boy, and yet, in some ways, a man.
The last time I saw you, you were a soft, gentle newborn . . . . . the most lovely one . . .

Mummy will miss you . . . . . . . always . . . . . .

Picture : Christmas decoration, Pavilion Kuala Lumpur; Taken by Mummy, Dec 2010

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, JAMIE

2008-02-21T20:52:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2007-11-11T08:23:00.000-08:00

Our little Jamie,

You would have been 10 years old today. How time flies so. Looking at your pictures it just seems like yesterday when you were here. But you are not. We miss you our sweet little fella. We all miss you.

Mummy

Psalm 91:1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

Pic : Vermont; Michael Yamashita 1997

FROM LEON TO JAMIE

2006-10-19T01:22:00.000-07:00

A visit to Jamie's grave just after Ryan was born.

Leon doing a drawing.

This is what Leon drew that day.

A FAMILY VISIT

2006-10-19T01:16:00.000-07:00

A visit to Jamie's grave with my brother Greg and his family and Jamie's Amah and Ah Kong; in early 2004.

PAPA'S LETTER TO JAMIE

2006-10-18T01:00:00.000-07:00

JAMIE

11th November 1997.

Today, I became a father.

Dearest Jamie, You came into this world at 9:05am on the 11^th of November 1997, in Pantai Hospital. You were already seven days overdue and therefore both Mummy and Daddy agreed with Dr Nor Ashikin to augment the labor process by induction.

We checked into Room 118 at the hospital at around 10pm last night and I stayed till 11:30pm before leaving for home for a brief rest. But around 12 midnight, Mummy was moved to labor Room 105 for close monitoring as the nurses discovered that your heartbeat was a bit too slow. Mummy was very worried but she decided not to inform me, for fear of me not getting any rest. Hence she was not getting any rest herself till daybreak when she was meditating on Psalm 23. Then Dr. Nor Ashikin came in and noticed certain irregularities in your heartbeat. She decided to make a series of changes to your birth plan and instructed the nurses to monitor your condition closely. Later, at around 8am on the 11^th of November 1997, your heartbeat started dipping too low and the nurses began a series of emergency measures to have you delivered by cesarean section. At that critical moment I arrived and saw some panicking in Room 105 and Mummy was sobbing for pain and confused sadness.

My dearest Jamie, you must know that Mummy loves you so very much that she has built up all her excitement and joy for this particular moment to have you delivered naturally, so that we can all experience the complete process of your coming into our lives. For the last nine months, we have felt your movements and have been very much fascinated by your little life in Mummy’s womb. At the very last moment, Mummy was really affected and shocked by the sudden crisis. So was I.

Nevertheless, as the man in the family, I knew I had to be calm and handle this carefully and quickly. I kept comforting Mummy and at the same time got on with the administrative aspects of the whole emergency exercise.

However, there was one more problem, as Dr. Nor Ashikin has several planned cesarean operations in the morning. While the nurses were preparing Mummy to go into the operating theater, Dr. Nor Ashikin was actually in the midst of another cesarean operation!

Hence, Mummy was in the waiting theater worried and in pain and I, after calming down Mummy all the way to the NO UNAUTHORIZED ENTRY sign, started to fear for the worst and was therefore getting quite frantic in the waiting lounge, for the longest one and a half hours in my life even though your grandpa and grandma also came later to offer support!

At around 10am, a nurse came and summoned me to have a look at you!

My dearest Jamie, I have been waiting all my life to have this moment when I can finally have a look at my very own son! When the moment came, I was so overwhelmed with emotions, and considering the overall circumstances that I had to see you in the Special Care Baby Unit, there was a fair measure of fear too.

When I entered the SCBU, Dr. Chin, the pediatrician in attendance, pointed towards an incubator and there was where I cast my first eternal look at you, the flesh of my flesh and the bone of my bone!

You looked so helpless, my dearest Jamie, but yet so peaceful! Dr. Chin explained that you were born slightly underweight; though your head was normal size but you had a smaller body weighing only 4 lb 12 oz.

In that eternal look I cast upon you in the SCBU, though through the incubator, I realized that today, I became a father! From now on, it is my responsibility and also my privilege to love you and to look after you. My dearest Jamie, from today on, there shall exist a bonding that is uniquely wonderful for mankind, that is, the bonding of father and son.

Today, all the three of us, Jamie, Mummy and Daddy shall step forward as a family. Through thick and thin, we shall be together, respecting, honoring and protecting each other while growing, exploring and learning together.

12th November 1997

Dearest Jamie, early this morning, I wheeled Mummy to the SCBU to have a look at you. She was overwhelmed with fear as there was also a cardiologist attending to you. We were told that there was a hole in your heart or VSD and the best thing to do was for you to be transferred to Gleneagles Intan Hospital which has the necessary equipment and to be attended to by Dr. Lim Miin Kang, reputed the best pediatric cardiologist in town.

You were transferred by an ambulance in an incubator, with me by your side all the way. Both my arms held the incubator, stabilizing it to prevent too much movement that may cause you discomfort.

We were caught in the near lunch time KL traffic and I apologized to you, promising you that our generation shall work hard to ensure your generation not having to face the same torture. Throughout the journey with siren blaring, I kept looking at your face, your hair, your mouth and kept monitoring your heartbeat and temperature. I felt so sorry for all the discomfort that you were being put through, and prayed that you would understand we were doing the best for you. I also kept assuring you of our love for you and that Jesus loves you too!

In Gleneagles, you were placed in a resuscitator while Dr. Lim conducted some scanning on your heart and inspected your overall condition. He then told us the heartbreaking news, you were born with a terminal chromosomal disorder known as Trisomy 18 or Edward’s Syndrome, and you may live only for a few days.

Oh my dearest Jamie, the flesh of my flesh and the bone of my bone, no expression is available to adequately articulate our pain at the moment of being told that there was no known survivor for this disorder, and nowhere in this whole wide world is there a cure.

We were shocked, confused and feeling very helpless. Mummy and Daddy just collapsed into each others arms and wept helplessly. Dr. Lim quickly cautioned us to prepare for the various phases of emotional reaction, of shock, confusion, denial, anger, grief, guilt and depression. But then my dearest Jamie, we are a God loving and God fearing family, perhaps we can take this differently.

My dearest Jamie, you were born so beautiful, and yet we can only have you for a while. Nevertheless, we know only in part and God knows in total. Since He is always in command, we need only to submit. At least we thank God for Mummy having experienced the joy of full term pregnancy and the privilege of bringing you into the world.

In any case, what is this concept of time created by man anyway? Who can tell me, in God’s eternity, what is the difference between just a few days and say, 50 years? My dearest Jamie, even if we are only given the privilege of taking care of you for just a few days, who can deny us of the eternal joy from the bond of love that we have already established? And who can argue that God, in His heaven, is not smiling by just looking at the three of us now?

My dearest Jamie, from now on we shall treasure every moment we have together, every minute with you is too precious to be described by mere words. We shall strive within this short time with you to be worthy in God’s eyes, as your chosen parents. This, we promise you.

Tonight, almost all our families have come to ICU to visit you, from your grandfather to your cousins and there must be almost thirty of them, taking turns calling your name and touching you. I was there whispering to you each of their names.

13th November 1997

Early this morning at about 4am, Mummy extracted some milk and brought it to the ICU to be fed to you as she wanted to give you her best, as she has been doing all these past nine months, walking into different baby shops so many times just to make sure you can have the best. Our dearest Jamie, we are now indeed truly free to offer you our purest love, bit by bit and moment by moment.

How long you shall be with us does not matter anymore. As in the case of a genuine artist who painted those dots, strokes and shades of colors on canvas, as long as every dot, stroke and shade of color was painted with the purest expression of love, who could deny the artist the true joy in the process? Even if somewhere in the process, the unfinished painting, for the lack of a better word, is terminated, the termination can never distort the truth that that wonderful artist had given his best and deserved the joy appropriately earned. Our dearest Jamie, who could deny Mummy of the joy of giving to you, as manifestation of her great maternal love? Surely not even the fact that you shall be taken away from us soon.

For feeding you her milk at 4am in the ICU ward, Mummy was also given the privilege of carrying you in her arms for the very first time and played your familiar Swan Lake from the music box. She later came back to her Room 369 and wept quietly in her bed for quite a while.

Later, at 7:45 am in the morning, your Mummy and Daddy went down to the ICU to feed you and play with you. I wept when I first carried you in my arms. Then an amazing stream of peace and joy flowed through my whole being as you rested so peacefully while I fed you, rocked you and cradled you in my arms. We took many photographs and I also played Swan Lake for you from the music box. Later, I combed your curly hair, and Mummy read you Psalm 23 before the nurse put you back into the resuscitator.

When your conditioned somewhat stabilized, you were moved to the Nursery around 12 noon so that we could be near you. In the Nursery, again Mummy and Daddy fed you, combed your hair, cradled you in our arms, played you music and Daddy read Psalm 23 to you.

When you continued to be stable, we finally managed to have you moved to the Pediatric Ward Room 411 to be with us, and finally we are together as a family. Although you are in an incubator, we feel so happy and contented . Now, Mummy is lying in bed looking at you and Daddy is at present recording all these precious moments in the computer and frequently visiting you over the other corner of the room. We truly thank God that we are now given this precious opportunity as a family united.

On this night, 13^th November 1997, we as a family will retire and sleep together. Mummy has just read Psalm 23 to you and reassured you of Jesus’ love for you. Sleep well our baby, and rest well, you will be surrounded by angels all over. Our dearest Jamie, Mummy and Daddy are so very grateful for having the privilege of sleeping with you in the same room even for just one night. Tonight, perhaps we may even meet in our dreams, hurry and sleep well our dearest only son.

Dearest Jamie, through you, God has helped us to discover more about ourselves from angles not known to us before. We are truly amazed with the love, power and authority of God, for even in such a situation, seemingly tragic and devastating in the worldly eyes, God can reveal so much more understanding about love and about life, and instilled so deeply in our hearts and in the hearts of so many wonderful people around us throughout. My dearest Jamie, even as it is now, we have already received so much meaning of your coming into our lives. Thank you, our dearest Jamie and thanks be to God.

20th November 1997

Dearest Jamie, during the past few days, we have returned you to the nursery for proper care, so that you may have a better chance to grow stronger to return to our home for at least a few days.

From our observation, you seem to have made some progress, but Dr. Lim still thinks that you will not last too long. In fact just last night, he told us to be psychologically prepared, for you may only survive another couple of days.

But my dearest Jamie, how can we part with you while there is still so much about you to explore? Everyday we discover something new about you, your wondering glance, your frowning, your yawning, your burping, your hiccups……………..

In fact as days go by, we discover your very own little fragile character, and we get more and more accustomed to your everything, how are we ever to let you go? My dearest Jamie.

However, a powerful but more peaceful voice in our hearts say to us:

Where Jamie is going, is a far far better place than we have ever been, and Jamie is sure to have a far far better rest than we have ever known!

So then, how are we ever not to let you go? Oh my Jamie, only God knows how deeply you have affected us, and how we are being torn apart and feeling so helpless with your condition.

22nd November 1997

Our beloved and dearest Jamie, tonight at 10.30pm, while Mummy and Daddy were taking turns to cradle you in our arms, you cast your soft glances at both Mummy and Daddy before you drew your final breath. Hence, today I lost my son.

Dearest Jamie, we know you have indeed gone to a far far better place than we have ever been and you are sure to have a far far better rest than we have ever known. Farewell our little beloved angel, may you be our priceless deposit in heaven.

Lots of love from Daddy and Mummy.

MY LIFE

2006-10-17T15:19:00.000-07:00

Carrying Jamie at 7 months.

Jamie was born on the 11th of November 1997.

Hello there.

Jamie and I.

Getting a wipe. Papa was so happy to get "wee-ed" on.

Mummy also wiped him to freshen him up.

My sweet little fella'.

There was not much else we could do for him except hold him and make things as comfortable as possible.

Going for a walk in the nursery.

Jamie had to be fed through a tube, and even then he took so very little as he could not digest very much.

After a few days his lips got very dry as he was taking in so little; he was too weak to complain.

When out of his incubator we tried to keep the oxygen tube close to him.

Quietly resting.

My son.

Letting him know we were near.

As the days went on, he grew a jaundiced, again as he was not taking in enough fluid.

Getting his hair brushed. He would lose his life just a day later.

Our last goodbye.

Jamie's final earthly resting place.

JAMIE TOH